Coming Soon To A Damp Patch Near You - Marlow's Henley Crew for 2001

At stroke, and looking like he's having one, we have Ermintrude (Alex Lovisetto) a fine figure of two men who as you can see is battling bravely with anorexia and who is in danger of dropping below the medically critical level of 17 stones.

At 7 we have another athlete who arrived at Marlow boasting an impressive collection of chins – meet "Crimewatch". Things are looking up and Bret's flexibility and fitness have now improved to the point where he can see and touch his knees.

Keeping the six seat warm is the man who drinks like a fish and has the charm of a Wildebeest during the rutting season. Amazingly Mr John Tetley recently pulled and now has a dusky and attractive girlfriend, whose bark is worse than her bite.

At 5 we have a special guest appearance by Ravanelli (aka Sir Mark Hamilton). Who needs £50k per week when you can appear for Marlow for nothing? Mind you he hasn't scored all season so maybe you do get what you pay for. Pulled 18.05 for his last erg' test, pretty good for 2k but he could struggle over 5k.

At 4 we have the intimidating presence of Keith "Blow Dry" Knaggs who appears to have modelled himself on Lionel Blair and is following a particularly uncompromising training schedule – he simply refuses to do any. Currently threatening the world 2K ergo record in the WJ12 Category.

Harvey, or "Lurch" as we know him on account of his awesome posture, is currently holding down the big 3 seat and a rather unhealthy 4-course lunch from the look of it. He is improving quickly though and recently managed to sit the ergo level.

Paul "Silky" Hyde looks deceptively athletic but is currently languishing at 2 and reckons that he once came 66th in the Eights Head, but forgets to add that that was back in about 1951 and he was actually second last.

Mike Biggs decorates the bow seat . Powerful, stylish, graceful - Mike's none of these but he makes a great windbreak and with Paul and Michelle's steering we couldn't persuade anyone else to sit in the "crumple zone".

Waiting in the wings in case any of these athletes should either get injured brawling with Marlow's 1st Brownie Pack or have a coronary during training is Mr Ben "Chugger" Chapman who, in a determined quest for glory recently made the ultimate sacrifice and moved from B&H to Silk Cut.

Attempting to keep this rabble in check we have the beauty and the beast. First up is the small but imperfectly formed Paul Shipman, the crews mascot. Additionally we have Ms Michelle Bordenave more shapely and with a deeper voice, whose steering is only marginally better than her English which in turn is better than Paul's English.

The has been, or to be more accurate, never quite was who spends his weekend dispensing the wisdom of Solomon: "pull harder" "you're crap" and "row better" etc etc and who hopes to take the credit for any flukey wins this lot may somehow generate is "coach" Mike Landers. There's two advantages to having this guy in the launch – firstly it means he can't upset the balance of the boat and secondly with a mouth the size of his the club can save a fortune on megaphone batteries.

PS – Don't be deceived we're coming to kick ass.


2001 Novice Mens eight from Marlow Rowing Club